


Wizards Rule, Warriors Swallow

by pt_tucker



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Blow Jobs, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Roleplay, Sexual Roleplay, Slice of Life, Zack is a sexy pizza man, and also an assassin, and many other things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 12:04:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pt_tucker/pseuds/pt_tucker
Summary: There's something strange about Cloud's pizza delivery man...Or, Zack and Cloud, as seen through their many sex lives.





	1. Pizza, Pizza!

**Author's Note:**

> Another one inspired by the Loveless Discord. Let's just say that this is probably not what chaoscheebs was expecting to come about from the throw-away line of "... brain, no, the person at the door is not Zack in a sexy pizza man costume." (To reiterate, we weren't even remotely talking about roleplaying as this was an entirely different conversation about Sephiroth being Sephiroth and not understanding pizza delivery. Which is a whole other story onto itself.)
> 
>  **FYI:** I'm writing this with the assumption that Zack is nineteen while Cloud is eighteen, and are therefore both adults. Also, there is a canonical power imbalance between them relating to their military ranks, but we're all going to pretend that it wouldn't negatively affect their relationship.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack's a sexy pizza man. What more could Cloud want?

Cloud opened the door to find Zack standing there with a pizza, dressed in an outfit that looked like it’d been stolen straight off the set of a really cheesy porno (pun intended). 

Zack pressed his forearm against the doorframe as he leaned in towards Cloud. “Did somebody order extra sausage?”

Cloud blinked, glanced up and down the hallway in an attempt to find the hidden camera, and then burst out laughing when he realized there wasn’t one.

“Hey!” Zack shifted out of “sexy mode” in an instant, his arm coming off the doorframe so that he could wave his hand around in indignation. “I thought we were supposed to be roleplaying!”

“So did I.” Cloud eyed Zack’s outfit once more. He had on tight leather booty shorts, a red polo shirt that only came down to his midriff, and a black ball cap that had a hotdog on it for some unknown reason. It wasn’t what he’d been expecting when Zack had told him about the surprise scene he was planning, that’s for sure.

Zack’s cheeks tinted pink as he fiddled with the box. “I thought we’d go for something more classic this time around, but if you don’t like it we don-”

Cloud reached up and pecked him on the lips. He slid the pizza out of Zack’s hands and opened it to reveal an actual pizza and not the greasy, empty box he’d been expecting. His eyes moved back and forth between the pizza and Zack’s outfit.

“I stashed my clothes in Angeal’s apartment after I bought it.” Zack beamed at him for a moment and then his face slid into something only marginally more serious as he got back into character. “If everything looks to be in order, then it’ll be 22.36, please.” He held out his hand.

This was of course the point in which Cloud should pat his pockets and let out a shocked gasp as he realized he’d forgotten his wallet at the store. _But maybe the handsome pizza man would accept some_ other _form of payment?_ Or maybe Cloud should shake his head and make a ruckus about having been given the wrong pizza - the third time this week! - and what was Zack the Pizza Man going to do about that?

Cloud went with option three. He secured the pizza box in his grip, took one last glance around the hallway for potential witnesses, and then booked it. He had five glorious seconds of “free” running before Zack processed what had just happened and then the apartment door slammed behind him and the chase was on.

“Come back with that pizza, you little thief!”

A door on Cloud’s left opened a few meters ahead of him, but the SOLDIER took one look at the two of them and went back into his apartment. Thank Gaia. Cloud didn’t know how he would have explained it: him running with a pizza held above his head as if he were trying to offer it to some unseen deity as he darted towards the stairwell while a furious Zack shot after him with exaggerated effort, yelling pizza-related threats all the while. Cloud wasn’t certain what “I’m going to make you wish you’d been pepperoni’d when I’m done with you!” meant, but his character probably didn’t want to find out.

Zack kept up the pretense of a chase all the way to the stairwell, allowing Cloud to slip through the door and skid his way down ten steps before he finally used his SOLDIER speed to overtake him. Arms wrapped around Cloud’s middle and he squawked as he was hoisted up mid-step and flipped over Zack’s shoulder. The pizza slipped out of his grasp.

“Shit!”

SOLDIER reflexes saved the day as Zack spun on his heel and grabbed it before it’d even reached knee-height. He spun back around and jogged up the stairs without any indication that doing so with both Cloud and the pizza was at all awkward. Show off. Clearly Cloud’s pizza man moonlighted as a bodyguard or an assassin or something. 

Cloud stored that idea away for later.

“Hey! Where are you taking me?” Cloud pounded on Zack’s back as he was carried through the stairwell door. “You got your damn pizza, now let me go!”

“Oh, you didn’t think you were gonna get away that easily, did you? Try to steal a guy’s pizza and then just get let off the hook like nothing happened? I don’t think so! I work hard to deliver these pizzas and guys like you ruin it. I think someone needs to teach you a lesson. Make an example out of you.”

Cloud pounded on him some more. “If you don’t put me down right now, I’m going to call my lawyer!”

Zack patted him on the ass. “You do that.”

Cloud continued to mutter threats as they made their way down the hallway. They ranged anywhere from police intervention to “I know some really tough dudes you don’t wanna mess with. My boyfriend can lift a car.” That one made Zack laugh. 

There was a brief moment of uncertainty when they reached the door. The nearest thing to set the pizza on was a table back at the end of the hallway, and that had a potted plant on it. And they both knew Cloud was totally prepared to run again if Zack set _him_ down. 

Zack shrugged and tossed the pizza into the air. He managed to open the door and finagle them both through to the other side, without knocking Cloud against the doorframe, before it came back down. Cloud was of half a mind to kick him as he stuck his arm out the door and caught it, but Zack showing off was more like a puppy excitedly showing its master the new trick it learned, so he refrained. 

“They teach you that in pizza school?” Cloud drawled.

“Nope, but they taught me this next part.”

Cloud’s heart pounded at the implied threat.

A moment later he found himself not in the bedroom, but instead on the kitchen table. Zack pretended to lock him into a set of wrist and ankle cuffs as he spread Cloud across the wood. It left Cloud with his legs splayed wide and his hands captured above his head.

“Now, as you can see, this is my pizza kitchen!” Zack waved at the area around him. “You should feel honored that you get to see where the magic happens, though I suppose you won’t be so happy about it in a few minutes.”

“Oh yeah?” Cloud glared at him. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Why isn’t it obvious? I’m going to make you into pizza! Gya haa haa haa!”

Cloud squeezed his lips together to stop the smile. Gaia. His boyfriend was a dork. And apparently not bad at mimicking the terrible noise that counted as laughter, if one were to believe a certain department head.

Zack grinned in response to his almost-grin before seemingly remembering he was supposed to be evil. He smothered his joy into what was maybe a smirk instead. Cloud couldn’t be certain. Zack Fair, literal human puppy, didn’t really do “smirks” so much as slightly less-smiley smiles.

“Fuck you,” Cloud snapped.

“Fuck my pizza? Now that’s just unsanitary.” 

Cloud snorted.

He struggled with his “bindings” as Zack started to undress him. Mindful of his invisible restraints, Zack only lifted his shirt up to his wrists while his pants came down just enough to get his cock out but no farther. It left Cloud feeling oddly powerless, not naked but not dressed, instead something in between that was exactly as Zack wanted it and nothing else.

His Adam’s apple bobbed as Zack sucked the tip of his erection into his mouth. Cloud tried to think of something witty to say in response - something about sanitation? - but his thoughts jumbled as Zack pressed onwards, taking in Cloud’s cock one centimeter at a time until he’d completely deepthroated him. He whimpered as Zack’s mouth slid back up, his lips running along every single bit of skin, every vein, every nerve, until Zack came away with a trail of saliva as the only evidence of his tasting. 

Zack’s hand replaced his mouth, and he kept Cloud tortuously on edge as he continued his speech. “Just as I suspected. You’re delicious. You'll make a wonderful addition to the pineapples.”

Cloud’s nose crinkled. “Pineapples on pizza? Disgusting.”

Zack looked _offended._

His hand left Cloud’s cock, and Cloud was almost tempted to take his words back, but it turned out to be less a punishment for his “terrible” opinion and more a necessary evil as Zack gently kneaded his stomach.

“First you get the dough ready.” His fingers “smoothed out” Cloud’s skin before “pushing” it back together and squeezing it. Then he smoothed it out again and started all over. It was simultaneously one of the strangest and nicest massages Cloud had ever received.

Cloud’s eyelids drooped.

They jerked back open when Zack gripped his cock. He pumped it a few times, his cheeky grin telling Cloud that he wasn’t about to let him fall asleep on him.

So that was how it was gonna be then, huh? Cloud pouted. Zack leaned over to chase his pout away with a kiss. 

“I don’t think you’re supposed to make out with your pizza,” Cloud said dryly once he’d pulled back.

“Oh dear!” Zack threw a hand over his heart. “I seem to have fallen in love with the pizza thief! How can I make him into delicious pizza now?” Zack eyed him. “Though…there are other ways to devour someone.”

Cloud groaned into his mouth as he kissed him again. 

This sure was one hell of a pizza delivery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've love to hear what you all thought! 
> 
> As of right now, there are three other roleplay scenarios written (including the titular wizard/warrior one), with the fifth being written now and at least two more planned after that _and_ a side-story featuring other POVs that answers such important questions such as "why a hotdog hat?" If I can keep up the motivation, that is. Normally I'm not fond of posting incomplete fics since I have _awful_ bouts of motivation loss, but considering these are really all just silly unrelated roleplay scenarios set in the same universe, I figured it wouldn't hurt anything if I end up needing more time to post the next one.


	2. Not Yet A King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's a prince to do when an assassin attacks?

Cloud was a prince. Zack was a world-class assassin. Could he make it any more obvious?

“I sure do hope nobody tries to assassinate me while my guards are off screwing in the bushes!” Cloud called out before attempting to pop a few grapes into his mouth.

Zack had insisted the princes were supposed to lie around doing nothing while servants fed them grapes, but seeing as Cloud had no servants, he’d been stuck with awkwardly holding the grapevine above his head and trying to grab them with his teeth. So far he’d lost three of the little bastards in the sofa, may they rest in peace, and the probability of the rest of the vine surviving wasn’t looking so great. 

Naturally, “Nightblade” chose that moment to make his grand entrance by jumping over the back of the sofa and landing beside Cloud with an “Aha!” 

Cloud squawked as he reflexively threw the grapes at his attacker, the little pieces of fruit going everywhere as several of them flew off the vine from the force.

Zack caught what was left of the bunch - likely also reflexively - and they both stared at each other for a moment. Then Zack popped one into his mouth and did that smiley-smirk thing of his. 

“Your princely delights are indeed delicious, but don’t think that will forestall your death, Prince…”

“You don’t even know my name? I thought you were here to assassinate me? Don’t you have _any_ professionalism?” Cloud crossed his arms and let out a huff. Then he stuck his nose up in the air for added effect. 

Zack swallowed and added a few more grapes to his mouth.

Cloud’s eyes narrowed. He picked up one of the fallen grapes and bounced it into Zack’s forehead. Zack caught it and ate that one too.

“If I want to know your name, I’ll read it in the…” Zack paused. He ate two more grapes before he suddenly smiled. “I’ll read it on the banners they put around town. And I’ll hear it in the songs they’ll sing about you. Oh no, the prince is dead! The world must grieve! Let him be forever immortalized in this beautiful tapestry!”

Cloud jumped to his feet. “That’s only if you _can_ kill me, of course.”

Zack hopped off the sofa. “Oh, I can.”

Cloud didn’t miss the way he strategically placed himself in front of the apartment door. As if Cloud would try the same trick twice. He wasn’t that stupid. The only way to get around SOLDIER reflexes, even for just a second, was to completely take them by surprise. Their bodies may have been inhumanly fast, but their brains ran the same speed as everyone else’s. 

That left option two: fight.

“You may not have heard, but I am a great…” Cloud looked around the room, but there was really nothing he could grab that would work well as a weapon. At most he might be able to roleplay his way into having a shield if he picked up one of the books on the coffee table. 

Aside from throwing random things, the nearest weapon-like item were their _actual_ weapons that were sitting in the weapons rack to Zack’s right. And even if he could get to them, Cloud didn’t much like the idea of sparring in the living room when he was wearing a costume that had cost him an entire week’s pay. Even if said costume was more in-line with the image of a soldier-prince with its no-frills pants and jacket combo and would therefore not look entirely out of place with a couple of tears in it.

Okay then, option three. Which was…

Another grape went into Zack’s mouth as he waited. Cloud’s eyes widened. Yes!

He pointed at Zack. “I am a great poisoner! How do you think I became crown prince when I have seven older siblings? Or should I say _had_ seven older siblings?” Cloud smirked and crossed his arms. “The grapes you have been eating have a deadly poison in them that only I have the antidote to.”

Zack gave the grapes an uncertain look. “You were eating them too.”

“Yes, but I’ve built up an immunity over the years. In fact, I have created the antidote in my own body. You’ll never be able to find it anywhere else.”

“So what you’re saying is that I should drink your blood after I kill you.” Zack scarfed down the last of the grapes and tossed the empty vine onto the coffee table.

Cloud…didn’t have a comeback for that. 

He backed up as Zack slowly stalked forward, his plastic knife now in hand. 

“Uh, blood isn’t very sanitary! Not sure you want to drink that.”

Cloud tried to run, but this time Zack didn’t let him get away. His SOLDIER speed had Cloud pinned to the ground in seconds. Cloud struggled. He attempted to use some of the moves Zack had taught him to use when someone bigger and stronger had you on the ground, but of course _Zack_ had taught him, so he was ready for all of Cloud’s tricks. In the end, Cloud could do nothing more than rub their erections together as he wriggled futilely underneath him.

Zack brought the fake knife to his neck. 

“There are nicer ways to get the antidote!” Cloud blurted. Zack froze.

Then the knife went flying as he tossed it over his shoulder. “Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?” He poked Cloud in the cheek. “I have used a secret assassin technique to paralyze you. Wouldn’t want you getting any ideas, now would we?”

Cloud raised an eyebrow. Paralyzed?

Zack took a finger and gently pushed it back down. “That’s paralyzed too!” he scolded. 

Rolling his eyes, Cloud allowed himself to go limp and he remained limp as Zack removed his costume. Which was harder than it sounded like it’d be, since his natural reaction was to help when Zack tried to slip his arms out of his jacket or pull up his shirt over his head. But if it saved him from having to break character by becoming compliant or risk damaging his costume as he continued to struggle, then it was worth the hassle.

Not to mention the reward that came after Zack had managed to get him undressed.

Little gasps escaped Cloud’s parted lips as the assassin began to suck the antidote right out of him. Zack kissed and nibbled him into a frenzy of overly-sensitive nerves and it was all Cloud could do not to arch his hips up into that waiting mouth. His fingers grasped at carpet and his muscles ached from the forced stillness and he couldn’t stop his toes from curling when the first bit of pre-cum began to leak out against Zack’s tongue.

Zack was like a man on a mission, taking his need to get every last drop of the antidote quite seriously as he sucked Cloud like his life literally did depend on it. Eventually the “paralysis” must have broken because Cloud couldn’t hold himself down any more and Zack had to do it for him. The SOLDIER pinned his hips to the floor as he continued to draw out that life-saving liquid drop by drop, until finally Cloud gave him the entire dose. 

Cloud panted and twitched as Zack pulled away. Gaia, that had been great. They had to try the “no moving” thing more often. The fake pizza man restraints had been a nice touch, but this…this was an entirely different experience altogether. 

Zack gave him a self-satisfied grin as he leaned over him. “Looks like I’ll get to live another day after all. It’s too bad I have to kill you now. This was actually kind of fun. But you know how it is: places to be, people to murder. Don’t worry, I’ll make this quick.”

Cloud’s arms wrapped around Zack’s shoulders before he could pull away and go looking for his knife. “Are you sure you have to kill me? If it’s wealth you want, I have plenty of that. You won’t have to kill people for money anymore if you stay with me, and you’ll get to have sex all the time. With a _prince._ ”

“But I like killing people for money.”

Cloud poked him in the side. “Fine then, you can assassinate the people who would try to steal my throne. Not for money, but for blowjobs.”

“Hmmm.” Zack tapped his chin. 

Cloud reached down and rubbed Zack’s cock through his pants. The look Zack gave him in response said that that was most definitely _cheating_.

“How about this, we’ll make a bet. If I can give you the best night of your life, then you’ll give up being an assassin for hire and instead become _my_ assassin. If not, then you can kill me and be on your way.” But only after Cloud had rallied his guards so that Zack got shot in the ass with an arrow on his way out.

Zack kissed Cloud. And then Cloud kissed Zack. 

Zack was smiling when they parted. 

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this one. Perhaps not quite as iconic a roleplay as sexy pizza man, but hopefully you won't hold that against poor Zack and Cloud. They have active imaginations. ;)


	3. Making History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They weren't exactly about to go down in the history books, but let it never be said that they didn't try.

The scene had seemed like a good idea in theory: get all hot and bothered as they worked their muscles and then get down and dirty as they worked…other things.

That is, until they’d realized that the local skating rink was in no way private enough for what they wanted to do. They’d moved their play to a little-known lake well-off the beaten path near Icicle Inn, which had resulted in more than one awkward question as Zack had used Second Class connections get them there. 

Once everything had been set up, they’d then had the joy of realizing that skating was much harder than it looked and they were in no way capable of physically going through the motions needed to make the scene even semi-realistic. For one, Zack didn’t even know how to skate.

“Why didn’t you say so?” Cloud crossed his arms and gave him The Look. Which probably wasn’t half as affective as he wanted it to be, considering the first thing Zack had done when they’d gotten out here was squeeze his cheeks and tell him how cute he looked all flushed from the cold.

Zack gave him a sheepish grin as he rubbed the back of his head. “I thought it wouldn’t matter that much since I’m the coach? I mean, I don’t think I’m even supposed to be on the ice at the same time as you, if you’re competing…”

Cloud huffed and rolled his eyes before pulling him down for a kiss. Zack’s lips curled up into a smile as they parted, and Cloud couldn’t help but return it. He really should have gotten himself a boyfriend that was easier to be annoyed with. 

Gliding back out onto the ice, he continued with his silent routine. Music would have been nice, but this far away from civilization it was better not to draw unwanted attention. Fighting off monsters every half hour wasn’t how either of them wanted to spend their day.

“Good job!” Zack called from the sidelines. “You really landed that jump!”

Cloud hadn’t actually jumped. He’d thrown his hands into the air and dropped them back down as he’d glided across the ice at a leisurely pace that wouldn’t have won him so much as a participation prize at a children’s competition.

But considering he’d landed flat on his ass both times he’d attempted one earlier, it seemed like the lesser of the two evils.

He did it again, this time turning to blow Zack a kiss after he’d “come back down.”

Zack gave him a thumbs-up.

Cloud tried for a one-legged spin and ended up with a wild careen towards the nearest snowbank. He only just managed to steady himself before he went face-first into the freezing pile of fluff.

“Wow! That-” Zack pulled out a small book from his pocket and flipped through it. “That was an amazing camel spin! Really something! Uh, but you might want to take it a little slower next time.”

Cloud nodded and tried again, as if taking his “coach’s” advice. This time he _did_ go into the snowbank. Luckily a laughing Zack was there to pull him out before he froze to death or died of embarrassment, whichever came first. Thank Gaia the pond was far enough away from the inn that nobody else was around to see him fail at being a Grand Prix finalist.

Zack dusted the snow off Cloud’s hair. “Maybe this was a bad idea. We’re not exactly cut out to be gold medalists.” His smile said that he wasn’t the least bit bothered by the dismal turn their roleplaying had taken.

“Or silver ones,” Cloud responded dryly. He rested his face against Zack’s warm chest.

“Or silver ones,” Zack agreed, wrapping an arm around him. He grabbed Cloud’s hand and brought it up to his lips. “Don’t worry, I’ve got all the gold I need right here.”

The pink in Cloud’s cheeks wasn’t just from the cold.

Neither of their rings showed through their gloves, but they both knew they were there.

“Well, since we’re out and about anyway, let’s go see what the locals have to eat. Maybe we’ll be able to find your favorite.”

“I don’t know if I deserve my favorite. I haven’t won anything.”

Zack tilted his head. “Haven’t you?” 

The next kiss wasn’t on his hand. 

They parted, and Cloud’s eyes softened as he looked up at the sappy dork he was apparently in love with. 

The moment was ruined when Zack stuck his nose into the air. “After all, you won me and who doesn’t want-uff.” 

Cloud’s punches may not have been able to do much damage against a SOLDIER Second Class, but he did at least know how to knock the wind out of a guy. 

“Why you!” Zack pushed him back into the snowbank. Except the joke was on him as Cloud latched onto his wrist. If he was going down, Zack was coming with him.

They wrestled in the snow - tempting the onslaught of hypothermia all the while - before Zack flipped them over and allowed Cloud to soak up some of the heat his mako-fueled body was producing in response to the cold. 

“This was kind of fun.” Zack grinned at him. “We should go on vacation more often.”

Cloud nodded. “Yeah. If we can get another week off together.” 

It’d been a major hassle to arrange this one, though that had mainly been on Cloud’s end. ShinRa had been all too happy to give Commander Hewley’s beloved prodigy student time off, especially once Angeal had said that it’d give _him_ time to relax without having to worry about what his puppy was getting up to without supervision. 

Cloud yelped as Zack shot to his feet, taking him with him. Zack set Cloud down in front of him before sliding around to Cloud’s back and gently pushing him forward. Cloud allowed himself to be marched towards the inn. 

“You’re right! It’s way too hard to get free time together as it is! We can’t spend all day lying in the snow. We’ve got places to be, food to eat-”

“-sex to be had?” Cloud said knowingly. He didn’t know how Zack could get an erection when his own cock felt like it was trying to cease existing altogether, but he’d certainly felt it against his leg earlier.

“Well, I wouldn’t disagree,” Zack replied cheekily.

“You know…” Cloud sent Zack an impish grin over his shoulder as he waved his hand. “This isn’t the only ring I brought with me.” 

The world shifted as Zack abruptly scooped him into his arms. “Sorry Spikey, but no time to waste. We’ve got to get back to the inn ASAP!”

Cloud blinked as the trees rushed past them at a speed he wouldn’t have been able to reach outside of a car. Grinning, he buried his face against Zack’s chest.

Zack may not have been a five-time world champion skater, but a world-renowned runner? Now that was a story they could work with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~I'm not YOI trash, you're YOI trash.~~
> 
> This one wasn't actually planned to be released until later, but the chapters don't really have an order and I felt like being a weeb for a while. XD (And besides, at least this way I won't have two fusion chapters one after the other since I can throw another original one in between now.)
> 
> I'd love to hear what you guys thought! :3


End file.
